"How may I serve?" If you know me, you might know that about 5 years ago (hell 3 years ago), this question would NEVER have left my mouth. I might have asked; "How may I get what I want?" "How may I get more of that?" but the thought of serving another never would have crossed my mind.
Recently, there has been a tugging at my heart. A longing to connect more deeply with a part of me that is newly open, a place of pure love and devotion... My heart. The feeling inside is warm like honey in the sun, and limitless. Really?! There is a part of me that is limitless.... I know it's been a shocking discovery for me as well. When I feel into this part, I feel a longing to give and share.
Even when I get lost in the day to day grind of working, having things, money woes and scarcity, there is this little heart tug that continues to ask me to give a little bit more. Ive tried to silence this MONSTER (hahah) the old fashioned way... by shopping, and eating, and numbing.. Yet even as I so fervently push away from this seemingly deranged part of myself... She sweetly loves and accepts me, steadily longing to be of service.
Why is that longing within me? Where did this come from? Should I listen? My mind tries to piece this emerged part of me into a box that can be understood. My super ego tries to label me saying, what are you "A wannabe Mother Teresa?" "You don't serve you take!". BOOM!
Here I am trying to explore this very precious, true part of myself and my mind and personality structures have already (in 5 seconds flat) tried to shut me down into the "sameness" of who I "should be". As I sit in the inquiry of this experience a doorway appears... Maybe theres a sense of freedom from the "need to have" when I serve? Maybe my heart is leading me past the old patterns that have kept me small, and is guiding me to my own limitlessness?
As I continue on the thread of this longing to serve, I can feel that what I long for is to support the community that has supported me, and allowed me to unfold and blossom into who I am day after day. Service for me, is sharing myself with the world. Showing up for myself in times of pain and struggle, and holding space for those around me to be and feel exactly as they are. I am not some "Wannabe Mother Teresa", I am Anna mother-loving Chapman and I want to be fully present wherever I am. Isn't what what we all want for and from each other? Non-judgmental space to be and show up as we are?
Ive decided to try something a little radical... Im going to follow this longing, and be of service to my community. For the next 3 weeks I am working with City Silence to offer a free hour long meditation Saturday mornings (10:30 - 11:30) at Colonel Summers park to hold space and fill South East Portland with peaceful energy, all are welcome please join me if you want (If you don't want thats fine too Ill be their solo or with you all!). And starting in mid October I will be offering a free Sunday afternoon mediation class at the Shakti House, more details to come on that.
The moment I start to try to quantify my life's purpose into a dollar amount my heart aches. Money will come, and money will go, its just another exchange of energy. But when my heart and soul ask me to serve.... I think its high time I listen to the call.
We are all put here to do something, I have no idea where the big picture of my life will lead me in the next 10 or even 5 years. But I know a hearts longing when I feel it, I know that Ive ignored my bodies needs almost for forever, and yet here I am limitlessly loved and embraced by myself. So I am listening sweet-heart. And the question that I am living to answer is... How may I serve?