How I came to love my body.
Ive spent most of my life waiting... To be the perfect size, to have the right job, and to find the right man. Watching my life pass before my eyes without realizing that it was mine to live. Five years ago I woke up to a body I didn't know, a life I didn't care about, and a deep sadness that took my breath away. I was 417 pounds, immensely lonely in a crowd full of friends, and deeply confused as to how to wake up to life. How did I get here? Who am I? What do I do now?
I started with the body, having been on diets my whole life I knew a thing or two about how to get on a plan. I became an expert on raw food, vegan food, how food is produced in America. I got a trainer and worked out, and pushed my body it was me against "it" and I was going to win! I was going to defeat the beast.
As I was working on my body I decided to seek help with my mind. My body was changing but I felt even worse then before? How could this be? I was working so hard against the fat and losing weight but still something was amiss. So I worked with my teachers and came to the profound realization that changing my body would not complete me. I had been living my whole life thinking if only I was skinny I would be happy and having that idea be wrong sent me into a deep grieving process. So I started researching:
- How to be happy?
- How to like yourself?
- How to find love when you don't love yourself?
- How to be.... good enough.
As I was researching I started to meet people, who lead me to other people. I started to meet soul sisters and beautiful reflections of myself. I found a community of amazing people and still was not sure how to feel like enough. How to be worthy of what I believed everyone but me was worthy of.
This self doubt and sadness sent me on a wild goose chase which OF COURSE lead me to the soul... my soul. When I finally had enough of the comparison, self hate, and the anger at my body I surrendered asking for a sign from the divine. I surrendered just enough to learn that the only place where I could find happiness and self love was inside of me. The only force that could guide me out of the darkness was light. The only teacher that I truly need is love. That searching for truth is more powerful then searching for happiness, and that I was in fact gifted the perfect body (there was no mistake).
Finally I came to the aha-moment that my body was working to do exactly what I needed! My body was protecting me, and needed kindness and love. I had been on self hate auto-pilot for so long that I forgot that all my rage was being directed right to myself. I would never treat anyone I loved how I was treating myself... this realization required yet another grieving process, followed by a celebration! Theres nothing wrong with me, I am worthy and lovable just as I am! Of course this idea took some serious kindness and self talk to truly sync in.
Coming to terms with the fact that I will not be anything other then what I am in this moment took some serious awareness. Awareness that wavers and fluctuates and goes in and out on any given day. But finally after all of the tears, binges, breakthroughs, mediations, and deep conversations with myself I know a few things:
1. I am not broken... No one is.
2. My body is a gift... I have to care for her with compassion.
3. My body is my teacher.
4. My weight has been my biggest gift, It brought me back to myself.
5. I now have a clear channel of communication and can give my body and soul what it needs.
6. Awareness is a necessity for a full life.
7. Love can take you all the way if you let it.
8. My body only responds to kindness, and compassion
9. I trust the process of life.
10. I AM IN LOVE WITH ALL THAT IS ME.
Today I couldn't tell you how much I weigh because I stopped measuring my worth in pounds. I do yoga and dance and run and play. I eat things that are alive and make me come alive and sometimes that includes cookies. I write myself love notes, and sing songs to my body in the mirror, there isn't a day that goes by where I don't give gratitude for all that I have. I meditate and sing kiertan and dance around my house. I try to bring my best friends Joy, Compassion, and Kindness everywhere I got... But sometimes Self Doubt, Sadness, Comparison, and Pain tag along. I accept and love the light with the dark, the easy with the hard, the love with the fear.
This journey through the human experience is not an easy one, we have ego structures to keep us fearful. We have the media projecting unworthiness, and we have trapped ourselves in boxes based on what we think we should be. I invite you to look at your life with compassionate eyes, to thank your body for all that it does, and to reach out if you need support. We ALL need a We. Sometimes this journey may be lonely, but we are not meant to always walk alone.