Trust... It seems like a fairly simple concept, just let go. When I hear the phrase "just let go" I want to shake whoever is talking to me. Intellectually I understand that I am not in control of many many things in my life, but that is definitely not for lack of trying. I am a planner and project manager, I strive to have all of the details ironed out before I even set off on the journey. It works amazingly well in Web firms and business settings... Not so well in life and the energetic and emotional world.
Earlier this year I left the comfort and security of what I thought to be a job I would hang on to until I decided to retire or find a new career. 8 months prior I had a gut wrenching feeling that I was no longer happy, and something had to change. I found myself in a prison of my own making, staying in my comfort zone out of fear for what would happen if I left. All the while fearing if I stayed that I would continue to feel a low level depression leading me back down a path of uncontrollable emotional eating.
In my heart I knew I had to tell my boss, so I started the conversation. We met frequently with tears and laughter, with hugs and open ended questions. By the end of the year my boss went on to give me permission to trust my own heart. Honoring what I knew inside, that in order to be happy I had to grow and continue down the path of self discovery and learning what my purpose in this world is. When he gave me that push, I lost it falling into a pile of tears. Here I was given exactly what I asked for, clear direction about what to do.... and yet I felt more lost than ever.
I had to let the expectations and plans of how I thought my life was going to look, go... I had to make room for what was trying to come in.
The day I made peace with the idea that maybe this was all happening for me (Yes I do realize I had 100% manifested this in a very gentle and sweet way... but as I said, getting what you want is scary sometimes) I saw a posting for a job on facebook for a company in town called Be Nourished.
I had been told by numerous people that I needed to check them out because their work was in line with what I feel a call to do in the world (Body Love). To support the idea that nobody is a problem to be fixed, that weight is not tied to worthiness and that healing happens inside out, not via a diet or external force. So, I applied.
I didn't hear anything for weeks, but in the back of my mind I kept coming back to fantasies of being offered this job. And just to clarify, the job is part time which to me in the past would have been a GIANT NO. But my heart just wouldn't let it go, my heart could not take one more day of shallow longing and this job touched my longing in a very deep way. On the last day, after being thrown one of the sweetest surprise goodbye parties that ever existed I walked to my car and noticed an email. I GOT THE INTERVIEW, for the first time in a long time I felt a tingling trust at the base of my pelvic bowl.
When I met the owners my heart exploded with glee, I would want to be these phenomenal ladies friends in real life my heart sang! And step by step I kept letting go, each day I didn't hear anything I said "If it is meant to be it will, and if not something better is coming." I went to a few other interviews but still my heart longed to play in a supportive place where I could learn and practice what I love, supporting and empowering people to reconnect and love themselves. Right before my trip to Bali I was called and told I GOT THE JOB! There was not a doubt nor wavering in my mind, I knew this was a resounding YES.
I am in the midst of my first week and what has struck me most is how happy I am, and how driven I am to learn and grow in this place that I have longed to be. I always thought Body Love would be something I did on the side, that I couldn't make a living doing it. I had put Body Love in its own prison without windows. Body Love is me, it is my passion for social change and equality. I bring Body Love with me everywhere I go, the gift is in me.
Today I was sitting with Kathy and we were talking about what I would do if 2 years ago, future Anna came to tell me the leaps of trust I would make this year... We laughed saying I might say something to the tune of "Oh no honey, no no no" or "Bitch you crazy!". I would have shut it down, and yet my body viscerally knew how to support the movement my soul was making. My heart didn't skip a beat, and for that I am eternally grateful.
To my beautiful community, I want to remind you that your heart knows much more than your mind. That sometimes trusting crazy ideas and deep longing can be huge blessings, and they can also be huge lessons. One is not better than the other, the blessings are much more comfortable I will note. I don't know where the other half of my job will come from! I don't know what this year will look like, but I do know that I am fully trusting that I will come up strong because I am supported by the whole universe, and I am full of gratitude.
I want to thank you all for supporting me along the way, and for supporting Body Love. I also want to invite you to share my information if you run into anyone looking for a business/web manager, project manager, or Body Love Coach. But most of all, I want to make sure you know that trusting the heart can lead you all the way... If you let it.
SO Much Love,