For the past couple of months I have been enmeshed in working with this idea of the "Mother Wound" without having any idea what I was working through. As Ive started to really dive into the depths of my experience with eating, my body, how I think.. basically the whole shabang! Ive found this endless well of sadness within me, a deep place of grief that I have lived my whole life trying to avoid.
In the the spiritual work I do there is a concept in our development when we are first born called Mother Child Merging. When we are born we merge with our mothers, we get all of our sustenance and love from that contact. This is a very important time in a child's life because is is where we learn what love is, and that is it a limitless force. Of course if one does not have this time in their life, it doesn't mean they don't know what love is. But through my understanding, it is more difficult to be in contact with the essential quality of love, and the idea that it is limitless.
I had this time with my mother, but it was tumultuous for both of us. We had just moved to Guam and we were not living in the safest place. My mother was having a hard time adjusting to our new environment, as was I. There was some serious survival going on for both of us. The result of that traumatic time for me is having the idea that love is not easy, nor limitless. I have to fight for love, I have to work and prove myself for love. But maybe the most painful part of it all, is the idea that I am missing something. There is a part of me that is missing, that part is something only my mother can give me, and I missed the opportunity (basically Im fucked). Subconsciously I have been doing everything in my power to get that lost merging love back. I have tried to have a better body, to be a perfect "good little girl" to do everything that society, and my parents would want to win the love back, to be complete and whole.
So as I've been working with this endless well of grief Ive realized that I am working incredibly hard to get something that I will never get. The truth is my mother loves me, and it is impossible to get the mother infant connection for my now adult self.... This concept is very difficult for my psyche to understand. And I have been tormenting myself trying to get the thing (merging love) to make me happy, perfect, whole, and complete. Now isn't that some fuckery!
I recently read this post and really loved the clarity, and to know this is not something I alone am facing: About the Mother Wound
Ive also come to realize that while this "Mother Merging" sounds beautiful and is a very special bond, its also contact with our own love. Yes there is merging but that love that we feel is our own, and the overflow of our Mothers love comes from her feeling her own love. When I sit in that knowing, that I am capable of being in contact with limitless love, and that the love I am seeking is within me.... I feel both free from the bonds of scarcity, and also saddened that as a child I was not taught (none of us were) that love is everything and there is no doing require to be it. I am love.
So as I traverse the waters of healing the biggest wound of all, I am also playing in the beautiful knowing that I am love. That my body (Which has been the biggest "problem" in my life) is ACTUALLY the smallest part of me. My body is not who I am, but I will cherish it and care for it because it holds all of my most precious parts. It is the container for my soul, my essence, and even my ego structures. My body is the forest for which all the magic happens.
I leave you with this idea... What if you are not missing anything? What if all that needs to happen is to stop believing the lies that we took on as children because we thought they were the truth? And what if we are all just pure love waiting to be seen, felt, and experienced? Simple as pie... (Simple...Yeah right)
Unlearning the lies is the path I am on, and it is not simple nor easy. One of the most difficult parts to digest is knowing that there is no destination, and being on this path does not mean life will be happy and pleasurable. But it does mean that I will be with my whole self, that I will seek the truth, and that I will know more of what I am. The past few months have been an evaluation of if I can hack it, can I be with the uncomfortable and sometimes downright excruciating feelings that come with this truth?
I can sure as hell try! Ive gone too far down the rabbit hole, I have made contact with my beingness. I have also started to see the pain as this beautiful part of me, and that is something I could never have said before. Don't get me wrong, I do not see all pain as beautiful, but in this well of sadness I have felt very close to myself, and that is an amazing experience. I wish you all a beautiful fall, may you stay in contact with your experience regardless of the feelings that may arise. And may I do the same.... even when I really really don't wanna!