I am a human being. I love to feel happy and alive and new, I long to have fun all the time to be constantly adored and admired laughing from the moment I wake up until right before I go to sleep. But thats not the truth of my experience, I often feel lonely and disconnected from myself. I feel sad, irritated, and even angry sometimes. I can be triggered by those I love, and fearful of the unknown… So in the midst of this emotional shit show I want nothing more then to blame every external source in my life, then to wash it all down with a numb-er of my choosing; be it pizza, a glass of wine, a toke, or even hanging out with someone who loves me unconditionally. But it is in these painful moment that I have a choice, I can blame and run… or I can sit in the muck and find the truth in what I am feeling.
Now I have had over 20 years of blaming and running so these days Ive been trying my hardest to sit in the muck and inquire as to whats actually going on inside. One of my oldest and dearest friends is lonely, she pops her little head in constantly to send me a message that I am disconnected from myself, or that old wounds are being pressurized and its time to defend against the ego and give my inner child a hug. This sounds like a really sweet interaction, when in reality it involves me screaming bloody murder in the car, crying, and finally grounding in and loving on myself. Let me put it bluntly… Its uncomfortable, painful, and sometimes a down right pain in the ass. There are days when I wish I had never even tried to look within, that if maybe I stayed on the surface and didn’t inquire about my feelings that life would be easier. And then I recognize that it might be much easier, but it would not be as beautiful.
We are not given a manual on how to feel, quite the opposite… our whole society is shoving every type of numbing possible, down our throats every moment of everyday. Madonna said it best, “You know we are living in a material world. And I am a material girl” everything around us is built for the cheap thrill and we gobble it down like hungry hungry hippos.
Now I’m not saying we shouldn’t partake in the material world, we are human after all but maybe its time we found a balance. For my this balance lies in feeling. My whole life Ive thought I had an issue with food, that I was an uncontrollable monster who could not be stopped when it came to cakes, pizza, and ice cream. In actuality I have zero issues with food, I have a beautiful love affair with it. My issues are with feeling, I don’t like to be uncomfortable, sad, confused, or even indifferent. Now I know that its pretty common to not like these feelings, but when you avoid them to the extent that I have in the past by eating my weight in Ben and Jerry’s it takes on a different problem. Not only am I ignoring my feelings, but I am also abusing my body in the process. And once the light comes on that I’m not eating for fun, but actually eating for suppression… The fun is lost and all thats left is shame.
Im still quite new to this whole feeling thing, but I am cognizant of the patterns I have to not feel, as well as the lengths I will go to make it seem like less of an avoidance. With practice I know I can get to a place where feeling over action doesn’t seem like a battle of the Soul vs. Mind, but for now I guess I’m just gonna to have to do my best. My body is worth the struggle, so I think for tonight…. Im choosing to feel.