The fear of failure...

This is a concept I have been grappling with for quite some time. My entire life I have struggled with my weight and had this ideal number in my head. But what will this number do for me? What will this number look like? Will it bring me more self love? Will it bring me happiness? Every mistake Ive made along this journey has been wrought with fear and guilt. As I evolve and tap into my true nature, and soul Ive started to distance myself from that number

What if where I am, is perfect? What if I never hit that number, or worse what if I hit that number and hate it? How have I allowed this number to have such a profound impact on my psyche? I blame the fear. Fear is crippling and dark and scary, but in reality its just a feeling. Its the feeling that terrible things will come, but what if they don’t? What if Im doing a damn good job? 

Ive lost over 110 pounds, Ive broken my ankle been in a wheelchair for 2 months, recovered and am stronger then ever. Ive found cooking to be my most rewarding and loving hobby. I have blossomed into my most free, open, yogi goddess self.

So what if I tell fear to fuck off? What if I just keep loving on my body and feeding her the best possible ingredients. What if I let go of that scary painful “goal”, and focus on how beautiful and amazing my life is now in this moment. What would happen then? 

The truth is I wont know unless I try…. So here I go again, diving into the unknown. But this time Im going to leave the fear, and hold on to the faith I have in myself. Allow help and support from those who love me, and trust the process.

Its time to let go of the protective layer I’ve built to keep me safe from the world and scary parts of myself. Its time to be miraculous and open and vulnerable. Its time to love every little nook and cranny. 

I love you.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?” - Marianne Williamson