To the extent that we go into survival mode—I can’t feel this, I won’t feel this, it hurts too much, it will kill me—we are slipping into baby skins, old forms, familiar selves. Young children, especially infants, mediate the pain of loss or abandonment or abuse through the body; there is no difference between physical and emotional pain. If the pain is too intense and the defenses are too weak, a child will become psychotic and/or die. It is life-saving for a child to develop defenses that allow her to leave a situation she can’t physically leave by shutting down her feelings or turning to something that soothes her. But if, as adults, we still believe that pain will kill us, we are seeing through the eyes of the fragile selves we once were and relying on the exquisite defense we once developed: bolting. Obsessions are a way we leave before we are left because we believe that the pain of staying would kill us. To break the barrage of insults, take a nap, take a bath. If you are in the middle of a work day, take a five minute break.
- Geneen Roth
This is everything for me right now! Such great insight, by Geneen Roth. Pain is an interesting thing, sometimes I think I just can’t bear to feel something, what if it destroys me? What if its too much for me to take? What if I feel it and I… die? Thats my young self talking, I know that I wont actually die from a feeling, even if it feels as though I could. Lately Ive been sitting and letting the uncomfort wash over me without acting on it. Like observing a mosquito bites itch without actually scratching it. Most of the time… It just wants to be there and felt. When it’s seen and feels truly felt, my body can let it go. Its refreshing to know that uncomfortable and even painful feelings wont destroy me.
We are magnificent beyond measure, trust that being all that you are is not too much for any part You. Allow and feel the darkest most scary parts of yourself, for it is there that you find the youngest version of you who needs to know that she is allowed to be there, that she is not broken, that she is you, and you are loved.