Having a body is hard...
Ive spent most of my life waiting... To be the perfect size, to have the right job, and to find the right person. Watching my life pass before my eyes without realizing that it was mine to live. Seven years ago I woke up to a body I didn't know, a life I didn't care about, and a deep sadness that took my breath away. I was 417 pounds, immensely lonely in a crowd full of friends, and deeply confused as to how to wake up to life. How did I get here? Who am I? What do I do now?
I started with the body, having been on diets my whole life I knew a thing or two about how to get on a plan. I became an expert on raw food, vegan food, how food is produced in America. I got a trainer and worked out, and pushed my body it was me against "it" and I was going to win! I was going to defeat the beast.
As I was working on my body I decided to seek help with my mind. My body was changing but I felt even worse then before. How could this be? I was working so hard against the fat and losing weight but still something was amiss. So I worked with my teachers and came to the profound realization that changing my body would not bring me the joy and security I was sold. I had been living my whole life thinking if only I was skinny I would be happy and having that idea be wrong sent me into a deep grieving process. So I started researching:
- How to be happy?
- How to like yourself?
- How to find love when you don't love yourself?
- How to be.... Okay.
As I was researching I started to meet people, who lead me to other people. I started to meet healers and beautiful reflections of myself. I found a community of amazing people and surrounded myself with them, still I did not feel like I was enough. How do I become worthy of what I believed everyone but me was worthy of.
This self doubt and sadness sent me on a wild goose chase which OF COURSE lead me to inner work and the soul... my soul. When I finally had enough of the comparison, self hate, and the anger at my body I surrendered the forcing and the fighting. I surrendered just enough to learn that the only place where I could find happiness and acceptance was inside of me. The only force that could guide me out of the darkness was light and a shit ton of therapy. The only teacher that I truly need is love also.... a shit ton of therapy. That searching for truth is more powerful then searching for happiness, and that I was in fact gifted the perfect body (there was no mistake).
Finally I came to the aha-moment that my body was working exactly as it needed to be working! My body is fat, and that is ok. My body is not broken, and yet I still have to feel through and work with the trauma of living in a fat-phobic world as a fat person. But I also realized I was being really fucking mean to myself, I would never treat anyone I loved how I was treating myself... this realization required yet another grieving process,
Coming to terms with the fact that I will not be anything other then what I am in this moment took has taken some serious awareness. Awareness that wavers and fluctuates and goes in and out on any given day. But finally after all of the tears, binges, breakthroughs, mediations, and deep conversations with myself I know a few things:
1. I am not broken... No one is.
2. My body is a gift... I have to care for with compassion.
3. My body is both my teacher and a beautiful distraction from my inner world.
4. My weight has been my biggest gift, It brought me back to myself.
5. It is my practice to continue to develop a clear channel of communication with my body to build trust.
6. Awareness is a necessity for a full life.
7. Love can take you all the way if you let it.
8. My body only responds long term to kindness, and compassion.
9. Being a human is really really hard.
10. Working with folx as they learn to trust and accept their bodies is my favorite thing.
Today I couldn't tell you how much I weigh because I stopped measuring my worth in pounds (But im pretty sure its close to that doomsday number that got me started on this journey!). I do yoga and dance and frolic and play. I eat things that make me come alive and sometimes that looks fried and sometimes it looks fresh and brightly colored. I write myself love notes, and sing songs to my body in the mirror, most days I'm super grateful and love this body but sometimes I hate it, those days are the ones I learn the most. I try to bring my best friends Joy, Compassion, and Kindness everywhere I got... But sometimes Self Doubt, Sadness, Comparison, and Pain tag along. Im committed to the idea that there is no end point, simply a long road of remember and remembering again.
This journey through the human experience is not an easy one, we have ego structures to keep us fearful. We have the media projecting unworthiness, and we have trapped ourselves in boxes based on what we think we should be. I invite you to look at your life with compassionate eyes, to thank your body for all that it does, and to reach out if you need support. We ALL need a We. Sometimes this journey is lonely, but we are not meant to always walk alone.